❛ i can feel this heart inside me and i conclude it exists. i can touch this world and i also conclude that it exists. all my knowledge ends at this point. the rest is hypothesis ❜

queerpotters:

• i want to know why fred & george put beetles in bill’s soup. i can understand (and empathise with) them sending dragon poo to percy, but bill is the super cool curse-breaking older bro. what could he have possibly done to deserve beetles in his soup??? this is the shit pottermore should be telling us
• i was fairly confident that “potter, you can skin malfoy’s shrivelfig” is my favourite part of prisoner of azkaban, but then something happened that eclipsed it entirely. something happened that was so gloriously funny i had to abandon the book and make a cup of tea to calm down. draco malfoy, professional comedian, does one too many impressions of harry falling off his broom and ron, in the middle of potions, cracks, COMPLETELY LOSES IT, and flings a crocodile heart across the dungeon WHICH HITS DRACO SQUARE IN THE MUSH. snape takes 50 points from gryffindor for it, which means he noticed, which means everyone probably noticed, which means the whole class witnessed draco getting clocked by a flying heart. how did he recover from this? did he have to wash his face in the sink in front of everyone?? did pansy cast scourgify on him??? did he die of embarrassment?? does he still think about this??? when he’s lying in bed at night does it come to him?? ? that day when 30 of his peers saw him get beaned in the face by a projectile organ????
• the first time harry mentions sirius to remus, remus panics and knocks his briefcase off the desk. and this is just from harry CASUALLY MENTIONING sirius, nothing shocking, nothing too upsetting. imagine if he’d told remus about seeing “a dirty great black dog staring at me from an alleyway, professor” like he was planning to??? remus would probably have keeled over and died. remus lupin does not have any chill where sirius black is concerned. here is an actual interaction between hazza and professor r. j. lupin (verbatim): harry: “if you knew my dad you must have known sirius black as well.” remus: “that’s disgusting. and wrong. i don’t even get— why would— i’ve never known anyone, anywhere. it’s none of your— you have— the nerve, the audacity— sirius is a murderer, technically. and he is terrible, face-wise. and how- how- do i know, frankly, that you don’t know him? maybe you do. maybe you’re trying to throw me off. hmm? check and mate.”
• after draco sees harry’s floating head in hogsmeade and goes haring off to dob him in, harry gets grilled by snape in what is, possibly, the funniest conversation the two of them have ever had. harry decides - after being caught with a pocketful of sweets and no alibi - that his best option is to feign vague concern at the news that draco saw harry’s head in hogsmeade, and to recommend that if draco is having hallucinations he should maybe visit the hospital wing. i bloody love harry james potter. he does his best
• speaking of harry and draco (AREN’T I ALWAYS???) i have a note here that says “quidditch is sanctioned airborne flirting” and honestly i think that is the realest shit i have ever written. at one point draco lunges forward and grabs the tail end of harry’s broom to stop harry catching the snitch and he’s SO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. harry is APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE and draco is utterly chuffed and beaming and full of the joys of spring. but honestly i mean “sure you can handle that broom, potter”??? i beg your pardon, 13-year-old boy??? can you hear yourself?? i need to know how draco malfoy could attend school in the united kingdom in the 1990s and not have a crowd of lads yelling “GAYBOOOOOY” after every word that passed his lips. if he wasn’t best friends with crabbe and goyle he would have had the piss ripped out of him every single day of his young life
• and, in conclusion: “draco, who had been noticeably subdued” yeah okay was he “noticeably subdued” to a normal person or just “noticeably subdued” to someone who makes it their business to gauge the status, health and mood of a boy they supposedly hate at every meal from two tables away, harry, you fucking numpty